Tuesday, August 25, 2009

This just can't be summer love...

Alright, I'll admit it. I get a little too emotionally involved in other peoples' relationships. Real or imagined. That is to say, sometimes there are characters on TV shows that I sort of believe are my friends and may need my advice every once in a while. And sometimes there are celebrity couples that I read about so often, it feels like it might be time to invite them to dinner.

Here are some of the couples I feel this way about:

  • Felicity Porter & Ben Covington- Felicity (1998-2002)
  • Carrie Bradshaw & Aidan Shaw- Sex & The City (2000-2002)
  • Ross Geller & Rachel Green- Friends (1994-2004)
  • Sydney Bristow & Michael Vaughn- ALIAS (2001-2006)
  • Jennifer Garner & Michael Vartan- Real life (2003)
  • Matt Saracen & Julie Taylor- Friday Night Lights (2006-2009)
  • David Beckham & Posh Spice- Real life- and only because I'm waiting for him to dump that zero and get with a hero, which in this case would be me- (1999-2009)

This is just a sampler platter of the actual list.

Now, while this might be a little "insane" or "disturbing", and you might be justified in calling me a "stalker", I feel I am just the obvious product of a society that lambastes me with constant imagery and trivia and gossip about all the beautiful people. (Granted I make the choice to watch the shows and buy the US Weeklys, but that is neither here nor there) And REALLY? Is it any different from the Victorian times when people would sit around with tea and parasols and gossip about The Royals? Or when women actually fainted at the mere glimpse of a Beatle or Elvis?

That said, I have some concerns about one of my couples... I can bite my tongue no longer. I'm afraid Justin is never going to take Brittney back. And that is not okay with me.

For three years, the Billboard Golden Couple reigned supreme, styled in matching denim outfits and golden highlights. He with his boy band, she with her Oops, I did it agains. Arriving at all the hot parties and awards shows hand in hand, cheek to cheek. Armed with a mutual Mickey Mouse Club past, working their way up the charts and cementing their in place in all of our futures. It was a TimberSpears match made in Bubblegum Heaven.

Then that fateful March day in 2002, when the news broke of the Justin/Brit break. Was this just another spoke in the break-up/make-up wheel, please God? Alas, t'was not. This time not even a co-Grammy could not mend the fractured duo. And we soon found out why, thanks to a solo album and some Cry Me a River lyrics...

Oh Brit, what did you do?!?!?

As the years passed, I was forced to accept the increasingly present slut factor in my dear Miss Spears. Justin lost his kinky coif, Brittney lost her damn mind. There were Federlines and Diazs. There were train wreck performances (Brit) and inflating egos (Justin). Yet, through it all, I stood by, wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin', plannin' and dreamin'. And I'm done sitting idly by, I must take action!

Dear Justin Timberlake,

I realize the love of your life, Brittney Spears, has done some questionable things. I know that the entire Federline era was a colossal mistake from start to finish. I, too, questioned the decision to not only record, but also release the Blackout album. (I also caught the irony of the album title and the fact that she is a RAGING alcoholic) The 2007 Video Music Award performance was enough to send you running for nearest corner to hug your knees and attempt to banish the memory of ever putting your P in her V, I got that. And then with the razor to the head, and the umbrella to the car, the nightly ambulance rides to the psyche ward. What I'm saying is, I understand the great feeling of trepidation in getting involved with her again. You are Justified (see what I did there?) in your concerns. But enough is enough. She's back on her meds, she's released ANOTHER kick ass album. She's in shape again, thanks to hours of dance numbers. And we all know that snuggling up to that gristley SHE-MAN Biel is no picnic.

You've made your point. No one will think you a sucker. Just please, stop denying the love that dare not speak it's name and take your Brittney back. We shall all be the better for it.

Your friend and confidant forever,



  1. Oh my God Jill this is AWESOME...and you know what makes it more awesome...like soul sister awesome?? Is the fact that I LITERALLY just tweeted this to Justin himself!

    He twittered something about southern talk and how "finna" is used to describe something you're gonna do. Like "I finna eat ice cream for dinner tonight."

    I know. It made zero sense to me too, but I saw it as an opportunity and responded with this:

    @jtimberlake I'ma #finna you and @britneyspears back together. Please? Do it for me?

    and then this:

    @jtimberlake If you get back together with Britney I'll get MTV to start playing videos again...

    and then this:

    @jtimberlake I don't know who I'll have to sleep with to make that happen, but I will make it happen. Do your part.

    and then sadly this:

    Justin Timberlake is not replying to my tweets..I'm officially offended. Why do I have to take my clothes off to get attn around here!?!

    See how we're together on this plight? Perhaps we could start a petition of sorts?? Surely we aren't the only hopefuls out here...

  2. I'm all in. We'll have a strategy session immediately and outline our points of attack.