Having written Antonio many a love letter throughout the years, I thought I'd take a whack at it.
Even in bed my ideas yearn towards you, my Immortal Beloved, here and there joyfully, and then again sadly, awaiting from Fate, whether it will listen to us. I can only live, either altogether with you or not at all.
Okay, seriously though...
Dearest, Hottest, Antonio~
16 years, you and I, and look how far we've come. Sure, it started with you in your underwear... and then me in mine (wink, wink, giggle) but it has turned out to be something so much more than a physical chemistry (not for me, of course, but I'm pretty sure you worship my entire being like a street dog does filet mignon). Yes, we had some tough times and some sad times and some silly times. Like that one time I hid in the bushes and waited for you and Virgina Madsen to get home from her Hideous Snaggle Face Club meeting, and I jumped out of the bushes with my machede and threatened her within mere inches of her life... that was silly. Or when I went to your house to surprise you wearing nothing but a positive pregnancy test and you called the police and filed a restraining order stating unequivocally that you had never ever seen me before and there was no way that this was your baby and I explained that I actually had some homeless woman pee on the stick and as luck would have it even homeless people get laid... silly, silly, silly.
But through it all, we've remained. Through all the tabloid stories that weren't about you because no one in America remembered who you were until this ridiculous reality dating show, through all the failed USA made for TV movies, through all the Dog Judging contests on Animal Planet, we're still just as solid as we were in 1993... like a slab of granite we are.
Needless to say, I think your stupid hot. And I would sacrifice some stuff just to nuzzle your bare chest. I will need you to put on proper swimwear though, these spandex boy shorts aren't exactly working for me. And also, keep your mouth shut, I hate to be reminded that you are quite possibly the douchiest douche that ever douched.
Sincerely, etc. Your Faithful Follower,